A year has passed since my life changed…living without my chosen life partner has been challenging. Together we observed schedules, had fixed meal times and in the last several years those long walks we would take with our dog. Nowadays I rummage through the freezer and cupboards trying to put together something that resembles a meal. I do take walks with my dog listening to classical music on my MP3 player; however it’s been really rainy for a month now and finding the motivation to get out there is difficult. In the initial weeks after a sudden, devastating loss I was numb, moved about life like an automaton, and did what had to be done. Felt sorry for myself, angry very briefly that he had the audacity to die and leave me to cope on my own.
In part it feels like a bad dream, and I do sleep far too much in order to avoid life, that feels so hollow without him. I find it difficult to reflect on all the good times we had, others seem to be able to reminisce and find solace in having had him in their lives…I escape into movies and TV shows and make disgusted noises when there is a scene about loss and how the one grieving talks to a visible image of the person who has transcended this life. I have seen a faint replica of him in a couple of my dreams. I find this unbelievable, yet decades ago I had a vision that was as clear as reality. Let me explain…
I had just finished an in-person astrological consultation with a client; back then the time I spent with a client was two or more hours. It was a dreary, cold winter’s day and as I opened my front door to let her out, I saw a man sitting in the backseat of her car. My initial reaction was “what an inconsiderate bitch”—yes, my inner dialogue can be harsh. However, instead of blurting that out, I said “you should have told me you had someone with you, he could have sat downstairs watching TV rather than be in the cold car all this time.” The woman’s expression didn’t change, rather she asked very nonchalantly for me to describe the person.” Well the penny didn’t drop yet… “I described the man and what he was wearing in incredible detail; and then she responded by saying that I had described her father who had passed on four years prior. I think I was more shocked than her…He looked so real that even after she made the statement and I blinked hard to make the illusion go away…there he was, even when she pulled her car out of the driveway.
I have not seen my husband like that. Does grief keep those visions at bay? When we don’t see, hear confirmation we tend to begin questioning our beliefs. In my case, the life after death bit…maybe we are just gone and all that truly remains are our memories… I hate to believe that. Here is hoping that I’ll hear from him soon…last year, this time I was organizing his “I remember…”
During my recent stay in Finland, I was staying at a colleague’s home and stepped out on the balcony to find out what the grey thing hanging from the above balcony was—it looked like an elephant’s trunk. Well it was a leg encased by sweatpants. The owner of the leg was having a lively debate with the other person with her. She was making adamant statements that of course there are other lives, how on earth could the other person not see that. She further stated that it would be such a waste if this life was all there was. She went onto taunt the other person, that when they would run into each other in the next life, she would tell him “I told you so”. After a short pause, she said “well, actually if we don’t share the same location and time, I might not be able to say that to you…”
I haven’t posted much of late, been feeling a little aimless which is hard as I have always been very goal-oriented, believing that if we fail choose a direction it is ‘forced upon us or chosen for us…’ Today I was reminded of loss when I opened my Facebook page and saw a post from a colleague, who lost his sister five years ago. Time lessens the pain but does not bring the person back to us. It is different, even when we acknowledge the person is in spirit and with us…we cannot get a physical hug, hear real words…we rely on messages…
The guy who installed my new feed for TV and internet, was talking about how he learned about after life through his dogs. His puppy died of cancer after some severe procedures aimed at saving her. His confirmation that life goes on another level, came when he was walking with his ‘new’ dog and a woman stopped him to tell him how the dog that had passed on was walking with them…
We lost our dog in August 2011, three days later I had a lucid dream (or something like that) where a tall, beautiful blond woman looked at me and said: “I am Winnie”—that was our dog’s name. I think that some beautiful, caring souls live in our pets.
I have felt so much better since the message from my husband through my cousin. The other day, I was talking with a friend, who also lost her husband a couple of years ago. I actually connected with her within a few days of my loss and during the initial shock period that follows a major loss. She talked to me at all kinds of hours, listening, offering insights she had and helped me immensely. She was talking about a sign from her husband…during his memorial service a monarch butterfly flew in front of her, despite the downpour of rain (butterflies do not fly in rain). Most recently she was wondering if a decision she is thinking about was right for her…another butterfly monarch flew around her, as if to say yes…
Years ago, when my father died my mother and sister witnessed a beautiful rainbow the night before his passing. Almost six years later, my mother was driving in a car with her sister and brother-in-law and a rainbow seemed to be following the car. This brought the conversation to death, and my mother was telling her sister that she doesn’t care if she is cremated…a couple of days later on the drive back, my mother and her brother-in-law died instantly in a head on collision. We, her daughters, had to choose cremation in order for her to buried with our father…the Universe speaks to us in symbols, metaphors, with flowers, butterflies, birds and in any fashion we can accept.
A couple of days ago my pink rose bush (well into the autumn now) had one perfect red rose… We had red roses for my husband at his memorial and I take that the rose was a gift to me from him.
I never feared being alone, however, up until now I never was…thus it is different. I don’t have anyone who actually cares about my daily path through life. Yes I have friends, family etc. but those daily conversations you have with your life-partner are different—trivial, deep and every shade in between. When we hold conversations in our heads and thoughts occur, it is a silent, solitary activity which can feel surreal. Is life all in our heads? I have come to believe that we can manifest our thoughts; we simply need to know what it is we desire and the Universe conspires with us to make it happen. I believe that when we move on from this earthly existence we become an active part of that Universe. But while we are here, visiting planet Earth, we need to have a direction, a goal or something that captures our attention. I know I am not alone, thinking that losing a partner results in a period of being without an active goal…the joint and shared goals and ideals have evaporated, and in case of losing a spouse, your status is suddenly widowed and therefore single. When it has been years since you were alone making decisions just for you, it is challenging to find the resolve to do so. People, who have gone through a loss similar to mine, advise others not to make any carved in stone decisions in the first year.
I caught a glimpse of the Long Island Medium in action on a daytime talk show and John Edward on another one. Both talked about the departed being with people, aware of what has happened since they left the earthly plane. The Long Island Medium said that there is no specific way to be contacted or being sent messages, it could be a light on a photo, noticing something unusual in our daily environment or hearing a thought we weren’t concentrating on. I used to know all of that, but there are many days when I ‘pray’ for a message that he is still with me. Then I talked to my cousin Heli in Australia…She had too messages from my husband for me, one was about a broken window in my house I need to get fixed (she didn’t know about that, the sucker simply won’t open, waiting for the repair guys); the second one asked me to find a direction, a goal and keep on moving forward—so similar to the two mediums I had just caught on TV a few days prior. I got my message!
As a memorial, we donated a park bench in my husband’s name. It is in the park adjacent to where we lived and raised our family for two decades. The bench overlooks the park, the baseball diamond, the school and the little kids’ playground. I have visited twice since I got back from my long visit to Finland. I stopped by the other day during a long walk with my puppy, Lucy. There was only one person with two kids around at the time. On the bench there was single, perfect pinecone that had opened. I brought it home, couldn’t leave it behind after I had spent several moments having conversations with my husband in my mind.
I have spent countless hours staring into space, taking long walks plugged into my MP3 player with my doggie in tow, trying to decide where to pour my energy. Maybe the message is something bigger, something that will take root over time…It doesn’t give me a what. Life really doesn’t come with a perfect manual for what we should do rather all kinds of possibilities. I should know that being an astrologer, whose job is to unravel those possibilities. The thing in life is that we navigate through it primarily on ‘autopilot’ and actively opt not to make choices and decisions. Not making a choice is a decision, and the trick to that is that Universe then makes the decision for us.
So I Googled pine cone symbolism and discovered that symbolically it connects to our third eye and the pineal gland. Check out http://www.symbolic-meanings.com/2009/12/18/the-pinecone-the-pineal-gland-and-an-illuminating-meditation/ for some neat suggestions.
Apparently the pinecone is similar in shape to the pineal gland—also known as conarium—in centre of our brains. This gland regulates sleep patterns… The third eye—the triangular spot above our noses on our forehead— is in line with the gland. This is the extrasensory spot that is said to give a third sight, or sixth sense… All of us have ‘supernatural’ abilities; we simply push those aside as not real. How often have you said, I knew it, when you hear news…Maybe for me the pine cone bears a message from my husband, that I should see without my eyes a bit more, like he knows I have done for years. Over the weekend, a colleague told me that “she is convinced” I am psychic—a label I prefer to avoid. What is the source of our insights—a message from beyond or our own inner consciousness, i.e. our connection to the divine…something to ponder, and maybe we should all pay a little attention to the incidentals, such as finding a pine cone in a special place.
So was there a message to see more with my mind’s eye than is visible to my regular eyes. Do you pay attention to signals, messages and synchronistic events?
Back in the early 1970’s my father had to have major surgery, and there were risks. I only heard about the risks later on…My father told about his experience during surgery. He talked about moving toward the light within what he referred to as ‘a tunnel’. Once there he was asked for his preference—would he like to come back now or have another ten years with his then teenage daughter (my sister). He chose the latter, and woke up in the intensive care unit to someone screaming in pain, only to realize that he was the one screaming. He lived another ten years. We’ve all heard similar stories, and shrugged them off as one of a kind. Over the years I have heard many. We’ve had the opportunity to watch sensationalized or aggrandized versions on TV and on the big screen. There have been numerous books on the topic. However, it is the personal stories that bring the surreal to perspective. Have you got one?